Faith, Fear, and Other F-Words

I'm sitting in the bishop's office. My dress is slightly damp, but I can't determine whether moisture a result of snowstorm or sweat beading beneath cotton. haven't eaten since yesterday, so vomit, churning my stomach wants to prove otherwise.The bishop has questions memorized. He's looking me straight eye. “Do you keep law chastity?”“Well.” take breath. speak fast, quirk that's magnified when nervous. “I think chastity as way respect others. And I've definitely had feelings for people that were unreciprocated and maybe made them uncomfortable. seen photos found attractive objectified instead respecting them. And—”“T, temple ceremony, defined not having sexual intercourse with anyone whom are legally lawfully married. Have done that?”“No.” shudder. “Absolutely not.”“Thank you.” He moves down list. understand obey Word Wisdom?”“I know it's supposed be health code, don't care myself well should. get nearly enough sleep. eat meat summer, sometimes, really many grains. too much sugar.” want bother him by making correct me, give answer he's for. drink coffee tea alcohol though.”He nods, then goes on. When he asks about organizations oppose Church, outline affiliation any group person disagreement religious teachings—most aren't members, list extensive. The last question though, one been dreading most. consider yourself worthy enter Lord's house participate ordinances?”“Not really, no.”He raises his eyebrows. “Why not?”It's reasonable question—I'm here because be. neither mission- nor marriage-bound near future, knows approaching endowment great deal thought prayer. spoken RMs currently serving friends, former Young Women presidents, leadership at two temples, sister missionaries, wife. This probably fourth meeting past few months regarding issue.“Just . nothing unclean can presence God. human—I'm inherently unclean. afraid wouldn't enough. Maybe it count.”“This final mostly reiteration rest. You've answered all these honestly. So let ask again. Do feel like you're worthy?”I bite lip, glance painting Christ on wall, look away. “Yes.”He smiles widely, signs paper front him. “Congratulations. prepared House Lord. You'll have make an appointment member stake presidency your second interview, confidence will go well.” hands recommend—unlike previous one, labeled “Limited-Use.” It brings momentary relief. According discernment priesthood, good God.∼Two mornings before scheduled temple, wake up scriptures open lap. must fallen asleep studying them—I'd late preparing exam. remember time didn't read both chapter Bible Book Mormon. It's years. this means if properly honor word calling cancel ceremony. don't, spend most night bathroom, sick.Nobody immediate family active drive Saturday morning handful close friends from ward. comfort blessings initiatory, still worry—what doing early? What commit some big sin later life repent it? voice gets caught tightness throat during covenants—does fact whispered words said aloud mean they count? kind towards others prayer circle? A friend hugs after we pray—is against rules?At end, am beaming. Crying tears joy, received into arms who love world. Halfway between embraces celestial room thoughts day ribboned undercurrent fear.This what Heaven feels like.∼A weeks later, filling out pages intake forms student counseling center university.How often do fear harm come actions?Every day.How excessive concern morality?Every worry excessively performance school, work, other domains?Every occupied thoughts?Very frequent/almost constant occurrence.I realize depth problem until me. None normal. Faith isn't way. People caring Love cast fear, not?I broken.The psychology graduate her diagnostic training agrees something very wrong. Clinically severe, she explains, treat clinic focuses short-term stress. She gives phone number specializing anxiety obsessive-compulsive spectrum disorders.∼Obsessive-compulsive disorder illness claws value twists beyond recognition. Everyone intrusive thoughts, told—random words, images, sensations head odd times going Most able disregard With OCD, darker attached everything about. They cause overwhelming anxiety, respond compulsions—mental physical behaviors perform try neutralize thoughts. works, temporarily, confirms false beliefs, trapping vicious cycle.The comes various subtypes including contamination, relationships, hoarding, existential, maternal. obsessions primarily focused coming others, scrupulosity, moral perfection. uncommon send text graphic images their corpse uninvited mind immediately, peppered gory details freshman anatomy lab.Whenever talk someone marginalized community, slurs pop head, frequently silent, find excuse leave, become effusively apologetic may accidentally say would never mean.I replay conversations—even banal—over over remind hurt tone voice, body language.I sobbed hour was deferred giving blood once due menstruation-induced iron deficiency, convinced pint could save lives, inability donate akin murder. research every loved has, spending hours reading breakups, nut allergies, rare immune disorders.One favorite things Mormonism expansiveness salvation, doctrine exalted alone, only responsible own eternal destiny, everyone well. During knees repenting night, faces flash eyes—my younger brother, purple-haired math major friend, roommates gave priesthood blessing seemed much—all torment. simply attain standards perfection need safe.Combine generalized disorder, where stop worrying, entangled desperate knots fear. As avoid scares world smaller smaller, no less scary.∼I finally dial referred before. opening, show Monday 7:15 8:00 a.m. appointment. inconvenience anyone, plus absolutely awful sense direction. traffic unfamiliar part town? building's closed early, sit parking lot. Across street, directly above busy highway, temple—not ever inside, still. should comfort, just adds another reminder God watching do.The therapist assigned listens carefully explain situation, saying gone through scenario plays regular basis. She's masked COVID safety requirements, expression.She says, “T, hard. You're being bad person. drives do.”I nod. eyes starting fill. barely see behind fogging glasses.“The OCD exposure response prevention—you're risk hurting people, God, mistakes, used fears start decrease.”My muscles clench. right knee jackhammers couch. say, “That sounds awful. this—they torture.”I leave. this. here. But walk out—I've spent sacrament meetings felt unworthy, conversations trying laugh veil panic, lost fear.“I know. be,” says.I swallow “Let's plan torture,” say.We discuss rules myself. Many idiosyncrasies personality, seems, rooted quirkiness more anxiety.“You curse?”“Well, once. himself swearword. same phrase back negate it.” pause. point.”“What did that?”“I repented. explained reason. figured loving our neighbor greater commandment.”She nods. neutralizing. happen now?”“I wouldn't. bad.”“It excellent you,” says. “Just it.”∼The next session, “I'll swear. yet.”“Could writing down? Songs? Didn't liked Taylor Swift's new album? explicit.”I manage half smile. Like young women know, memorized chunk tracks Folklore within week its release. that.”In office lyrics skip singing. Red came middle always “passion innocent” “passionate sin.” Now write “A damn thing, honey” “I'm shit.” Finally, one—the snark line makes laugh, wonder playing chorus loud: “Would tell fuck myself?”I'm shaking. tried stay slow steady, handwriting deteriorated page. away therapist's return. talking, hear her.“T? How doing? Where distress, ten?”I breath—it's minutes ago. “Maybe six half? Seven?”“That's start. threatening you? Share people? Text friends?”More threatening? already plenty bad.“I friends.”She tips side. “What else?”What's worse?I looming us, blocks west hill.“And temple.”She “That's plan.”∼I expected lot empty, full. trouble finding spot section. We're under restrictions, phase inside.I curl driver's seat. pull piece paper, snap photo it, four message: sending you, faithful Latter-day Saint person, without comment (but want, haha).”I linger lock screen—my I, beaming endowment.I up. doors, joyful. bride groom holding hands. Tears eyes. There's there, connection.Do deserve that?I hadn't texts—it's morning, class messages in. “T “How up?”That's loaded question. ignore place screen pocket. car, curse-covered hand.There building. hoped leave soon, seem talking. around empty. gate, enter. am, weeping. how handle.I paper. speak. “You did—you a—a honey.” stammer.I honey.”Someone unless couldn't sobs.“Faster than wind, passionate sin,” say. throat, dark twist, exactly covenants endowment, wasn't speaking clearly heard God.I entire list, more.“I'm some—on some—I'm shit!”I lose burst tears, run car. seat calm drive.∼I church months. rising case counts uneasy building ward offering via zoom. miss religion. Mormonism's absence lies dull ache ribcage. texting male socially distant experience holiness conduit.I nearest house, closest thing now service. There milling downtown, beeline grounds. bench, bowed prayer, streaming face.God, plead silently, please help take.∼Amid this, normal papers classes knit zoom lectures. crepes general conference, pile onto bed watch empty audience. plans boss lab investigations—there's drug us test, I'll charge injections experiments. listening Christmas music early October happy. lunches parks. Ten feet apart, laughter. boots coat pajamas dance first snow.∼And further treatment, scare heal. One brushing hair pretty seized feeling guilt focusing important appearance, setting example girls. three panicked fewer random apology texts. begin better grace, gift extend prayers rather recitals names.I future genuinely forward to.I live it.∼I inside again, although long to. They're area except living ordinances. wait immerse ceremonies small mistake condemn eternity.I went grounds ago, again prayer.Thank you. waiting whole beautiful.I OCD—it's chronic condition, managed. Some days harder be, determining factor anymore. struggle choices. chance mistakes learning worked, learn anew adult. fall, regularly, easier trust there catch me.And add image heaven looks like.